BlackRock, Tyson Foods Merge to Manage Retirement for Aging Backyard Chickens
OMAHA, NE — November 9, 2065
BlackRock and Tyson Foods have completed a historic merger, forming a new financial–meat conglomerate named Black(Rooster), tasked with administering retirement plans for America’s aging backyard chickens.
It all started in the early 2020s. As egg prices soared, hungry suburbanites turned to backyard chickens to control costs. By 2031, the “Home Chicken Economy” had overtaken RV sales and essential oils as America’s fastest-growing hobby industry. Coops got fancier, feed turned artisanal, and poultry strollers became normalized in neighborhoods that still claimed to be “low-key.”
There was only one problem: chickens age, and many owners discovered they lacked the stomach to turn their beloved “family members” into soup.
“It’s hard taking care of a mortgage, three kids, a hyper-needy AI assistant, and a gaggle of retired hens,” said one homeowner, now resigned to buying both supermarket eggs and poultry-friendly statins. “The chickens get used to a certain lifestyle. I wish I had planned for this sooner.”
Fortunately, no nation solves problems—particularly self-created, easily avoidable ones—quite like the United States.
For BlackRock, the move creates a fresh revenue source in what analysts are calling “the only retirement segment where clients literally never check their statements.” CEO Barry Wink described chickens as “the ideal demographic: emotionally adored, financially ignored.”
For Tyson, the benefit is less clear. However, one insider told The False Street Journal, on condition of anonymity:
“If people found out how easy it is to electrocute and decapitate a warehouse full of chickens, we’d be out of business. It’s not like anyone stopped eating chicken—they just don’t want to eat their chicken. We encourage these accounts. It’s called 'ethics'.”
Employers have already begun offering Black(Rooster)’s chicken-retirement plans as a workplace perk, typically replacing the dental plan since, as one HR director explained, “teeth don’t have feelings.”
Meanwhile, religious leaders, ethicists, and roughly half of humanity released a rare joint statement simply reading:
“We give up.”
With that, America’s newest retirement boom was officially hatched.
Originally filed: December 11, 2025