Breaking siren bot SHOCKER! Dodge Sells First Electric Vehicle
BlackRock and Tyson Foods Merge to Manage Chicken Retirements
BlackRock and Tyson Foods Merge to Manage Retirement Plans for Chickens
FAA replaces air traffic control with rear-view mirrors — FSJ edition.
WASHINGTON — Apr 8, 2065
FAA Replaces Air Traffic Control with Rear-View Mirrors
Constant government shutdowns force Plan B.
Electric Dodge
DETROIT — Apr 12, 2065
Dodge Sells First Electric Car
Forty years after production, Stellantis finally sells its first electric Dodge Charger.
Bionic Tush Push
PHILADELPHIA — Oct 3, 2065
Bionic Tush Push Sparks Proctology Gold Rush
Cybernetic linemen create a brand-new medical specialty at the goal line.
Husband Wins Argument
OXFORD, IN — Jul 14, 2065
Husband Wins Argument
Meteorologists stunned as Hell reports freezing temperatures.
Ethical CEO
WALL ST. — Oct 24, 2065
Fortune 500 Company Seeks Ethical CEO
A bold, reckless, career-ending hiring experiment.
Tesla Oxygen
GLOBAL — Mar 14, 2065
Tesla Acquires Global Oxygen Supply
O₂aaS launches with a hint of pine scent.
Caesars Hospital
LAS VEGAS — Oct 18, 2065
Caesars Entertainment Buys Las Vegas Hospital
All-Inclusive Recovery Suites merge post-op care and loyalty points.
Jurassic Pork
CLIMATE DESK — Jun 11, 2065
Jurassic Pork Dethrones Waffle House
A Colossal Meat experience takes the throne.
Cow Farts
CLIMATE DESK — Aug 12, 2065
Cow Farts Reach Critical Mass
42 billion cows, one atmospheric cascade.
Philly Free Beer
SPORTS DESK — Aug 12, 2065
Philadelphia Teams Trial Free Beer Refills
Philly fans react in real time.
Jets Vaccine
NEW BRUNSWICK — Oct 14, 2065
Jets Fans Enter Phase 3 Clinical Trial
Hopevax targets playoff delusions.
Sister Bonnie Blue
ROME — Oct 20, 2065
Sister Bonnie Blue Opens 9th Food Bank
Surplus-capture logistics and holy marketing.
Coders to Cocktails
WASHINGTON — Jun 30, 2065
Coders to Cocktails Act Turns 30
The #1 pipeline into hospitality.
Skibidi Tokyo
TOKYO — Apr 1, 2065
Skibidi Toilet Launches Tokyo Theme Park
GigaFlush Mountain™ dominates skyline.
Aaron Rodgers 61st Season
EAST RUTHERFORD — Sept 14, 2065
Aaron Rodgers Returns for Record 61st Season
Fueling debate over bionic limbs and firmware audits.

Future Report 2065 is a satirical news project reporting from the year 2065. Everything here is parody — a futuristic look at politics, business, culture, sports, and corporate absurdity.