Tesla Acquires Global Oxygen Supply
Future Report 2065 — March 14, 2065
In a move described by analysts as “both breathtaking and breath-giving,” Tesla announced today its full acquisition of the global oxygen supply. The deal finalizes Tesla’s decades-long efforts to control the Big Beautiful Bubble (BBB), the planetary-scale atmospheric enclosure completed in 2057 that promised to end global warming, repel alien invaders, and give the entire Earth a pleasant hint of pine scent.
With this acquisition, Tesla officially becomes the sole provider of breathable air on Earth, a milestone CEO-emeritus Elon Musk (now preserved in a semi-biological management pod) called “the natural evolution of sustainable breathing.”
Oxygen as a Service (O2aaS)
Under the new model, citizens will subscribe to Oxygen as a Service (O2aaS), choosing from tiers such as Basic Breath, Premium Air, and Lung+, which offers ad-free inhalation and enhanced freshness in select regions. Pricing is dynamic, based on lung capacity and verified through mandatory CyberLink-branded biometric filters.
Critics have expressed concern about “oxygen throttling” after early users reported holding their breath for buffering. Tesla responded that “short pauses in airflow encourage mindfulness and reduce carbon output.”
Environmental and Economic Impact
Economists praised the O2aaS rollout as a “breath of fresh profit,” noting that the oxygen futures market soared 312% overnight. Meanwhile, environmental groups celebrated the BBB’s continued effectiveness at stabilizing global temperatures—though a small technical issue has reportedly caused the bubble’s pine scent to fluctuate between Evergreen Alpine and Gym Socks (Post-Workout).
About the Big Beautiful Bubble (BBB)
The Big Beautiful Bubble (BBB) began as a public works project in the early 2030s, intended to stabilize the climate and protect the planet from “unwanted cosmic attention.” But halfway through construction, funding ran out during the six-month government shutdown over “cyborgs in the human restroom.”
With Congress gridlocked and half the atmosphere on backorder, the project turned to private capital. Tesla, the World Economic Federation, and a mysterious consortium known only as Project Exhale stepped in, promising to “finish what democracy started, but faster, and without any democracy.”
When the Bubble finally sealed in 2057, it wrapped Earth in a lightly pine-scented, climate-neutral membrane that filters pollution, deflects asteroids, and blocks 83% of unverified alien life forms. Critics warned it might obscure the stars and disorient migratory birds, but the general consensus was: “It’s better than melting.”
Today, the BBB is maintained by a fleet of autonomous Tesla Stratospheric Drones that monitor air quality, adjust fragrance levels, and occasionally display targeted ads on the night sky. It remains humanity’s largest infrastructure achievement—visible from both the Moon and select orbital condos.
Market Reactions
[TSLA ▲ +64.6%] Wall Street inhaled deeply. Shares of Tesla jumped after the O2aaS announcement, with analysts calling the monopoly “moat plus lungs.” Options volume spiked as traders priced in perpetual subscription breathing.
- OXYFUT (Planetary Oxygen Futures): ▲ +312.2% on first-day inclusion to the “Essentials” commodities basket.
- PINE (Global Aroma ETF): ▲ +6.9% as BBB scent algorithms trend “Evergreen Alpine.”
- ASTHMA (Legacy Inhaler Index): ▼ −8.3% on fears of disruption by ad-free Lung+.
- BBB-MAINT 30Y (Bubble Maintenance Bonds): ▲ +2.1% as coupons index to “parts per million uptime.”
- ALNWTCH (Alien Defense Contractors): ▼ −3.4%; analysts note “no confirmed invasions this quarter.”
Public Response
- Breathwork influencers celebrated “mindful buffering,” calling Tesla’s micro-pauses “a free meditation app for your lungs.”
- Apartment HOAs demanded geofenced Premium Air to “keep Basic Breath from drifting across property lines.”
- Parents praised KidSafe Mode, which auto-switches to “Birthday Candle Boost” during parties.
- Doomsday forums alleged a secret “Gym Socks” override hidden in firmware v8.12; Tesla’s spokes-cloud replied with a scented thumbs-up emoji.
Regulator Watch
The Global Atmosphere Commission requested “clear, breathable pricing,” including a published ppm-per-dollar table and guarantees that Basic Breath remains “unthrottled during marathon streams of vintage sitcoms.” Tesla agreed to quarterly transparency reports and a 72-hour “open windows” festival each solstice.
Controversy persists, however, over the proposed Bubble Maintenance Tax, which would charge citizens per cubic meter of inhaled air. Voters overwhelmingly opposed the measure—until the brief moment they stopped receiving oxygen during the beta test.
Originally filed: October 15, 2025