Cow Farts Reach Critical Mass
Future Report Climate Desk — August 12, 2065
The Final Moo-ment
In what scientists and climate change activists are calling “the loudest silent event in history,” global methane emissions reached a critical threshold at 2:43 a.m. UTC, triggering an atmospheric cascade theoretically capable of ending all life on Earth.
According to the Global Livestock Bureau, the chain reaction began when 42 billion cows simultaneously farted, creating what one researcher described as “an unsimulated greenhouse event.” The sudden methane surge ignited micro-lightning in the upper atmosphere, briefly producing a second sun visible from space.
Digital Distraction Saves the Day
Fortunately, no one noticed. Humanity’s collective attention remained glued to TikTok.
“Most people assumed the sky turning green was a filter,” said sociologist Zed Kwon. “By the time algorithms flagged ‘end of life,’ the internet was on to the next thing.”
By mid-morning, planetary ecosystems had theoretically collapsed, but user engagement stayed steady.
Experts say life technically ended, but since nobody noticed, civilization continues as normal.
A NASA AI issued a final press release reading simply:
“All life destroyed. Like, share, subscribe.”
Originally filed: October 13, 2025 | Reprinted from the archives of Future Report 2065