Caesars Entertainment Buys Las Vegas Hospital
LAS VEGAS — January 13, 2065
In a bold new merger that perfectly captures the spirit of modern healthcare, Caesars Entertainment has announced the acquisition of Sunrise Hospital, rebranding it as Caesars Medical & Resort.
“Now that we’re literally charging an arm and a leg,” a company spokesperson said, “we figured it was time to cut out the middleman to bring guests a more seamless experience.”
Under the new model, patients will be able to receive same-room amputations, bypasses, and Botox without the inconvenience of hospital traffic or waiting rooms. “For a nominal resort fee, of course,” the spokesperson added, smiling through a golden stethoscope.
Guests will soon be able to earn Caesars Rewards points for every procedure, redeemable for free parking, discounted buffets, or partial prosthetic upgrades.
While critics warn of “unprecedented medical gambling,” Caesars insists the merger is all about “improving the guest experience.” Early concept art shows a hybrid emergency room–casino floor called The ER Lounge, where patients can place bets on their own recovery times.
“We’re committed to blending the excitement of Vegas with the thrill of modern healthcare,” said CEO Jimmy “Aces” Corleone. “Because nothing says luxury like anesthesia administered by a cocktail waitress.”
Meanwhile, rumors continue to swirl that Caesars itself may be the target of another major acquisition, though details remain scarce. Stay tuned to The False Street Journal for breaking news as it happens.
About Jimmy “Aces” Corleone
Jimmy “Aces” Corleone began his career not in healthcare or hospitality, but in collections — the kind that required both velvet gloves and plausible deniability. After streamlining casino operations (by removing the concept of "winning"), he rose through the ranks on a philosophy of “morality is just unmonetized risk.”
As CEO of Caesars Entertainment Global Holdings & Triage, Corleone is known for:
- Launching Caesars Medical & Resort under the slogan “What happens in surgery stays in billing.”
- Replacing Health Insurance with Wellness Wagering™
- Implementing “Resort Surge Pricing” at casino ATMs — withdrawals cost more during emotional distress.
About Caesars Entertainment
Founded on the belief that everything is a game — including debt, human dignity, and now healthcare — Caesars Entertainment is the world’s leading provider of mandatory resort fees and optional morality. The company operates more than 50 resorts globally, where guests can enjoy world-class entertainment, fine dining, and the faint sound of someone taking out a fourth mortgage.
With this acquisition, Caesars continues its proud tradition of expanding into every corner of human desperation — gambling, lodging, and now life itself. “Our mission,” reads the company’s statement, “is to deliver unforgettable experiences, right up to — and possibly including — your final moments.”
Corporate Motto: “We’re not monetizing sickness — we’re gamifying recovery.”
Originally filed: October 14, 2025 | Reprinted and expanded by The False Street Journal Business Desk (A FutureReport2065 Company): November 2, 2025