Caesars Entertainment Buys Las Vegas Hospital
LAS VEGAS — January 13, 2065
In a bold new merger that perfectly captures the spirit of modern healthcare, Caesars Entertainment has announced the acquisition of Sunrise Hospital, rebranding it as “Caesars Medical & Resort.”
“Now that we’re literally charging an arm and a leg,” a company spokesperson said, “we figured it was time to cut out the middleman to bring guests a more seamless experience.”
Under the new model, patients will be able to receive same-room amputations, bypasses, and Botox without the inconvenience of hospital traffic or waiting rooms. “For a nominal resort fee, of course,” the spokesperson added, smiling through a golden stethoscope.
Guests will soon be able to earn Caesars Rewards points for every procedure, redeemable for free parking, discounted buffets, or partial prosthetic upgrades.
While critics warn of “unprecedented medical gambling,” Caesars insists the merger is all about “improving the guest experience.” Early concept art shows a hybrid emergency room–casino floor called The ER Lounge, where patients can place bets on their own recovery times.
“We’re committed to blending the excitement of Vegas with the thrill of modern healthcare,” said CEO Jimmy “Aces” Corleone. “Because nothing says luxury like anesthesia administered by a cocktail waitress.”
About Caesars Entertainment
Founded on the belief that everything is a game — including debt, human dignity, and now healthcare — Caesars Entertainment is the world’s leading provider of mandatory resort fees and optional morality. The company operates more than 50 resorts globally, where guests can enjoy world-class entertainment, fine dining, and the faint sound of someone taking out a fourth mortgage.
With this acquisition, Caesars continues its proud tradition of expanding into every corner of human desperation — gambling, lodging, and now life itself. “Our mission,” reads the company’s statement, “is to deliver unforgettable experiences, right up to — and possibly including — your final moments.”
Caesars: Where luck runs out — but the bill never does.
Originally filed: October 14, 2025 | Reprinted from the archives of Future Report 2065